Jason's
Joke Page!
Jokes and other funny stuff
Disclaimer: These jokes are meant purely for entertainment purposes. Please don't be offended by them! They're just for fun!
Pick n' Click a Joke ...
About Jesus
The Polish Skydiver
The Rabbi and The Priest
The Bathroom Ticket
The Execution
Forgetfulness
Actual Letters to Landlords!
The Candywrapper
Lawyer Joke #1 (There will be more!)
Other Funny Stuff
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're
OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how
difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can
see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to
where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth
Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart,
how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure
Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it
was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I
could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her
tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be
long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey
Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces,
don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit
and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she
was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three
Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her
Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when
all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started
to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to
forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may
accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to
write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the
doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the
kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that
down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You
better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some
strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now
you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No
problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife
could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise
inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and
whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and
eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and
said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords...
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared."
2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off."
3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
next door."
4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
wall."
5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink."
9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old
page pensioner and need it straight away."
10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new
drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish
the job and keep my wife happy."
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They
decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could
perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in
four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The
architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive
performance.
"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an
emergency Caesarian on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little
heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a
cookie from the doctor.
"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, humped the other two dogs,
took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
The Accounts, The Engineers, and The
Bathroom
Three engineers and three accountants traveled by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants bought tickets and watched as the
three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going
to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the accountants. "You'll
see", answered one of the engineers. They all boarded the train. The
accountants took their respective seats but all three engineers crammed
into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train
departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on
the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a
crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took
it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a
clever idea.
After the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save money (being clever with money, and all
that....). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers did not buy a
ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed
accountant. "You'll see", answered one of the engineers.When they boarded
the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three
engineers crammed into another one nearby. Shortly after the train
departed one of the engineers left the restroom and walked over to the
restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and
said, "Ticket, please"...
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were
on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the
executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked
the switch and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was
released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing
happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the
executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and
the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
The Polish Skydiver
A Polish guy goes for skydiving lessons.
The instructor says, "It's very simple. You leap out of the plane, and you
pull the ripcord. If nothing happens, you pull the emergency cord. It's that easy."
The Polish guy goes up in the plane, jumps out, and completely forgets.
He's got no idea what to do.
He's like, "Zooomm!"
All of a sudden, he passes a black guy coming up.
The Polish guy says, "Hey, man...you know anything about parachutes?"
The black guy says, "No. You know how to light a gas stove?"
A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of
their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,"So you're a
priest. I'm a rabbi. Look at our cars...there's nothing left, but we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God."
The priest says, "I agree, this must be a sign from God."
The rabbi says, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished, yet this bottle of Manichewitz wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune," and
he hands the bottle to the priest.The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs,
and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts
the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest says, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi says, "No, I think I'll wait for the police."
A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a
twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse,
"Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says, "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if
there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are
black."
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was
sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked aroud barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
A Winning College Entrance Essay!
This is an actual essay written by a college
applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO
GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED,
THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees,I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my
sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe
inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know
the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small baker. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends,to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I
have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Terron Shoemaker
Ardent Studios
2000 Madison Ave.
Memphis, TN 38104
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